I listened to an amazing podcast by Tara Brach about fear.
She was saying that there are 2 types of fear:
FOF - Fear of Failure
FOMO - Fear of Missing out
FOF - Fear of Failure
FOF is routed deep in the reptilian brain, it’s that basic part of us that senses the threat and wants to avoid harm. It’s a very primal fear, which tells us - I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna be annihilated.
When a primate is not involved with the life-death issue - the default is to compare it with other non-life threatening issues. What that means, is we think we are going to lose respect and love.
When we have some fear of deficiency or failure - our sense of who we are gets organised around it and we develop strategies to try to compensate for it or cover it up. We find ways to prove ourselves or get approval. But when we are in that ego self mode that feels defective or deficient - we are cut off from the parts of our brains that have a larger sense of belonging.
One of the ways to get approval is to fit in, and one of the ways to fit in, is to dress like someone we are not, dress as someone we think we need to be. As a personal stylist and psychology hobbyist I’ve got a few ideas how to tackle FOF while you shop for clothes online and in store - continue reading to find out!
HERE ARE A FEW IDEAS ON HOW TO TACKLE FOF SHOPPING:
Do you feel you need to dress as someone you are not?
We are lucky to live in times of great variety of acceptable styles. Even if you are in a corporate world, there is room for comfort - you don’t need to wear heels on an everyday basis anymore, unless that’s something, which makes you feel good.
1. Think about what is important to you. What are your main priorities? What makes you work faster, with less distractions? What makes you feel comfortable and confident at the same time? Someone would opt for natural fibers, someone for flats. Others feel confident and uplifted in a cinched in dress. And there are tons of options in between. We are all different and there is no need to conform to just one standard.
2. Browse through your own pictures from previous events, or if you don’t have any - choose something from your wardrobe which makes you feel good and take a selfie. It doesn’t have to be anything perfect - you can define your style overtime. But it’s a good starting point.
3. TRUST YOUR INTUITION! I’ve worked with so many clients and there was never a single time, when the whole wardrobe was just WRONG! There are always things in your wardrobe you can latch on and make them your starting point.
4. Browse online for the inspiration images and styles which represent you and how you’d like to hold yourself, keeping in mind your existing style.
5. Make a mood-board, combining pictures of yourself and inspiration images, print it out, put it on your wardrobe door - this can be your starting point in developing your signature style.
Find out how to shop for sales stress free
FOMO - Fear of Missing out
When we get caught in FOMO, we are not as concerned about failure - that’s a more primitive part of the brain, we are concerned with missing out on opportunities for pleasure, gratification, fame, more accomplishment and fulfilment of what we are seeking.
This comes from the mammalian brain. Primal urge to thrive and the urge to seek nourishment, enhancement and reward. It’s not as primitive as FOF.
We get anxious about something that matters to us and worried that we might not get it. And sometimes it’s missing out on new clothes we see advertised, new trends we see other people following.
When we are caught in FOMO our vision gets smaller. We don’t remember the rest of the world because our attention gets very fixated. When we get caught in FOMO, that’s when we are over-consuming, as we are overwhelmed with the emotions and are worried we will miss out and that shirt or jacket will get sold and we will NEVER find anything like that ever again.
And let me tell you something, there were a couple of times in my life, when I’ve decided against buying a piece of clothing and I DID regret my decision for a few months after. But is it all in my head? Is it just my perception of what would’ve happened if I did buy it, rather than reality? Did I actually miss out and is my life worse because I didn’t buy it? I don’t think so! I am certain, that’s not what I’m gonna be thinking on my deathbed: “Oh, I wish I did buy that jacket, my life would’ve been so much better!”
Much more often, what happens is the opposite, I buy something and then I think: “Did I actually need this? Did my life actually get better?”
A FEW IDEAS ON TACKLING FOMO SHOPPING:
1. Don’t follow micro, short term trends. Some trends are here for a short term, and some are sticking around for years, because they are based on the general change of lifestyle. It’s better to stick with the long term trends, rather than short term ones.
Example of a long term trend - wide palazzo track pants.
Example of a short term trend - wide hairband.
2. Look at the clothes in your wardrobe and see which ones make you feel best, both visually and comfort-wise. Take pictures of yourself - either through the mirror or ask someone. Print them all out and put them next to each other. Which ones do you like most?
Pay attention to:
Neck line (round/V-neck/boat neck)
Fit - loose or slim
Where the shoulder line is
Where the waist line is
What length works best on you
3. When shopping, only stick to the styles which work best on you, don’t buy something which works on a model and you just like the look of.
4. Know your colours. Colours can make you look washed out or can lift up your look with minimum effort. There are lots of colour specialists who can help you with this, if you are not sure. When you know your colours, you won’t make the wrong purchase which you regret.
5. Unsubscribe from fashion marketing emails. The more you see them, the more it will be drilled in your head that you need to buy those things.
6. Shop less frequent, but opt for higher quality. Look at the amount you spend on your house (interior design), new technology, kids (private school, for example), gifts. And then consider how much you spend on one piece of clothing. It might be the case that the clothes you buy are too cheap, compared to the rest of your lifestyle and the status you’d like to project, which leads to buying bad quality clothes, which leads to having to buy new clothes too often. Think of your clothes as a long-term investment.
I hope these ideas have been helpful! Don’t forget to comment and let me know if you’ve got any other ideas on how to tackle overconsumption!
I’ve been helping people define their style for nearly 2 decades and worked with some amazing personalities along the way, like Lily James, Elizabeth Debicki, Riz Ahmet, Ben Whishaw, Jenson Button and Will Young. Nothing gives me more energy and drive than working with people.
My main priority is to tune into your feelings and gently elevate your existing style, to make you feel comfortable and presentable. If you’d like to hear more from me book a free consultation here
